I feel fat.
I have never had a weight issue in my life. If anything I was too skinny in high school. Now I find myself 20 pounds over my normal weight, perhaps 30 over what I would like to be, and it feels awful. Friends and family reassure me that I look great and I appreciate that, but I just don’t like what I see.
I really didn’t think it would be like this. What I thought would happen was I would breastfeed Jack and that the pounds would come flying off of me. Oh, and I could eat whatever I want too. By two or three months postpartum I would be back to my pre-pregnancy weight. That’s what people told me! And worse yet, that’s what the books said! It was too easy to believe them.
I’m surprised how much this has taken a toll on my self-esteem. It has only added to the discouragement I feel about being alone at home and unable to find a job. I still look four months pregnant, my clothes don’t fit well, and… and I just hate it. It feels lousy.
I’m trying to eat healthier. Eating more veggies at snack time and light meals for dinner. But I get so hungry!! Jack just sucks it all out of me – literally! And, on days like today when I’m worn out because Jack needs extra attention and Tim has been working four ten hour shifts in a row, it is easier to heat up left over pizza than to try to pull together a decent meal.
Working out hasn’t been easy either. Up until recently, Jack was only able to be awake for an hour at a time. I could work out during a nap, but if he woke up early I wouldn’t get a shower. Only recently have I been able to go on walks, but the weather seems to be confused here in Colorado and winter has come several months late.
Weary. Weary. Weary.
I wish our culture would be healthier. I wish the ideal wouldn’t be for me to be 5’ 6” (my height) and 110 pounds (way below healthy). But you turn on the tv or open an ad and all of the women are size 0 or less. It makes a normal, healthy woman feel fat. And it makes me feel like I’m failing to be what I “should” be.
So, the question is this: can I accept myself the way I am? Can I love myself even though I don’t like what I see? Can I find myself beautiful with a flubby, stretched out tummy? Can I learn to see that tummy as the fabulous vehicle that brought my wonderful little boy into the world?
Oh God! Help! I need to see myself as You see me and not as I do! I need to know I am lovely. I need to know I am who You want me to be. I need to know my worth does not depend on meeting expectations – especially when they so often are my own false expectations. Please – help me trust You and Your love. I need to remember as You’ve taught me before that that’s where my worth comes from.
“The Lord does not look at things human beings look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” ~ Yahweh (1 Samuel 16:7)