Going home for Christmas was great. We relaxed, spent time with family, and everyone else took care of Jack! This was probably the best vacation we have had since Jack was born simply because he is so much more independent and I am no longer nursing him. I mean we were able to give him a bottle in the car on the drive to Wisconsin! No 45 minute stops for feedings. And he can feed himself with finger food and plays with toys… it’s great. Oh and he loves people so he enjoyed every single person who picked him up.
And I got a break.
You know, it’s funny, though I’ve been a mom for a year, I still feel like I’m “playing house.” Whenever I get a break from caring for Jack, especially when my mom is here and basically takes over (which is always such a relief), I feel like this is how it should be. She’s the real mom, I have just been playing make believe.
Last night Jack woke up screaming and I picked him up to comfort him. As I rocked him, I looked at that sleeping baby and thought “I feel like such a kid and here I am… a mom!” I have been referring to myself as “Mommy” since December 4th, 2008 and that seemed natural, but now Jack is calling for me saying “Ma ma ma” and it is so bizarre! I don’t feel like a mom. Most of the time I still feel like a teenager trying to figure out life!
It astounds me that Jack loves me the way I love my mom. I am the one turns to for comfort. I am the one he gives sloppy kisses to. I am the one he cuddles with every night.
On another note, it is so much fun to see Jack adore Tim, his “Da da.” Whenever Tim walks into the room Jack’s little face lights up and he practically lunges out of my arms squealing with delight. They have a special bond and Tim is such a natural dad.
Though at times this all feels unnatural, I love my family. Jack is such a wonderful blessing and Tim such a loving dad and husband, I thank God they are part of my life.
So I will keep on playing house. Maybe some day I will feel like a natural mom.