I have so many.
One day, I would like to travel. I want to visit people I’ve met from Great Britain and from Australia. I’d like to go to Hawaii. I want to take my kids to Disney World (if Tim will let me). I want to see Broadway shows in New York City.
One day, I would like to live on a lake. With a boat. And have a patio with a comfortable porch swing for myself. I want a swing set for my kids. With a really big slide so I can hear Jack giggle as he goes down it over and over and over again.
One day, I would like to have a store on Etsy. Full of baby hats and stuffed toys. Maybe even some baby blankets. And I think it would be fun to learn to sew, so I’m about to make some cushions for our patio chairs.
One day, I would like to write a book. For moms. And then another one. For anybody. I want to try my hand at fiction. Or perhaps write a story for children.
One day, I would like to blog regularly. Like I used to.
These dreams have different levels of desire. Some just sound like fun. Some would be good for my soul. Others are ambitions that call to me, day after day. And I get frustrated that I just can’t do it all.
I’ve actually been writing more the past month. I’m working on a book of some sort. But I don’t feel ready to share any of it with you on this blog. It’s just not there yet for me. Because of my book writing, I don’t really have time to blog. And because of my other responsibilities with work (teaching classes, meeting with individuals and staff, forming a moms’ group, etc. etc.) and with my family (cooking, feeding, changing, laundering, etc. etc. etc.), I’m worn out!
So, what do I do? Do I let myself feel guilty for not blogging? Do I push myself to do more than I’m doing? Do I haunt myself with dreams that are not being accomplished and may never be? Do I compare myself to others who have jobs and kids, and pursue their dreams on top of it all?
Yeah, I’ve tried that. I had a little breakdown last year because of it.
Instead, I’m learning to look at what I am doing very carefully to discern if it is right and good.
Philippians 6:4-5 in the New Living Translation says, “Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else. For we are each responsible for our own conduct.”
I am responsible for my conduct. I am responsible for my own work. Not looking at what others do, or taking every piece of advice on how to do things differently or “better” according to someone else, but to do my work well in my own way. In order to achieve dreams and ambitions (some of which I believe were implanted in me by God), I need to prune away those things that are not mine to do. Because of this, I probably will never be a great photographer. But I’ll continue to take pictures of my kids for my own enjoyment and have the pleasure of supporting my friends’ in their dreams of professional photography.
I will continue to try things and set them down when I see that they are not for me to do. I’m about to learn to sew again. I don’t know if I’ll do it a lot – especially since I like to crochet so much – but I will try it. And, if I find it is not for me, I will encourage others in their gifts of that craft.
And, most important, I will make room in my life for the dreams that are most important to me. This book I’m writing. It’s just starting. But I’ve been thinking about it for 3 years and it’s time to do something about it. So, I’ve set aside 3 hours a week to write which means I’m not here as much. I just don’t have the time. But if I find a way to blog more often, trust me, I will. Because I love it here, too.