Two days after my friend prayed for me – two days after I realized God knew how much I was hurting, that God cared for my pain, I was driving home from church on highway 85 asking Him: How could you do this to me? How could you call me away from everyone I love – when I needed people the most? You knew I would say yes!!
Maybe I didn’t want you to.
Maybe I wanted you to question me. Maybe I wanted you to be in discussion with me.
God’s words almost made me stop in the middle of Highway 85.
Could it be that I had God wrong the whole time? That he does not want me to act subservient or to be his “Yes-Man,” but to be in relationship?
Suddenly everything was clear. Suddenly I knew. I could have said no. I could have said no and been with my family. I could have said no and lived in the land of green trees, masses of water, and mosquitos. I could have said no.
Not that I necessarily would have… but I didn’t even consider pondering His call. I didn’t even think it was an option to think it over, to wrestle with Him about it.
I remember Jacob who wrestled with an angel of God all night one night. He would not let him go until God blessed him. Eventually, God did – and He gave him a new name, Israel: One who wrestles with God. And that name became the name of Jacob’s descendants, Israel: The people who wrestle with God are God’s people.
By assuming God desired a willing servant who did not feel, who did not question, who did not think, I had made God into someone He is not – heartless, distant, and careless with our souls.
If I had questioned God and told him about my aches and fears, I think those three years in Denver would have been different. If we had come to a decision together, I would not have resented the call. If I had worked with Him, I would have been more at peace, more secure in saying goodbye to our families three or four times a year.
But mostly, if I had been honest, I could have known myself as God’s child rather than gone on believing I was merely his pawn. His slave.
If I had been honest, I could have received His love.
Though I was not honest, I am learning to be honest now. And receiving His love has become my most favorite thing. I can’t wait to tell you those stories…
I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. -Jesus in John 15:15