Jesus took care of himself, why don’t we? #wholemama #amwriting #soulcare http://ow.ly/Q9Dbc
Hello friends! The day I have been planning for is finally here. I have been taking time I normally spent writing trying to figure out how to build my own website, write code, make buttons, transfer content, and transfer subscribers to the new site and the day has finally arrived to announce that www.LeahDEverson.com is ready to go!
I’m doing cartwheels and back handsprings over here I’m so excited.
For those of you who subscribe through the blog (right sidebar sign up), you should continue to receive blog updates like you did before. If you don’t, please let me know on my new “contact me” page. I’m sure I’ll be working out kinks for awhile.
If you “follow” me via wordpress, would you consider signing up to receive email updates? My understanding is that even though I have a wordpress.org blog my updates won’t show up on your reader anymore. I would love to keep having you over.
I look forward to seeing you over at my new home!
For a few months now I have been paralyzed by the numbers. Number of page views. Number of followers. Number of likes. Number of comments. Numbers. Numbers. Numbers.
Numbers are important in publishing. Agents and publishers won’t look at you if you don’t have high numbers. Books won’t sell unless you have high numbers.
And somehow I’ve started to equate my worth as a writer, my effectiveness as a minister, by my numbers. But numbers are so fickle. One post will reach thousands and another 25. Facebook changed their algorithm so now my followers don’t even see my posts unless they choose to receive notifications or if I pay for something to go out. Twitter is such a fast moving feed you may only have minutes for someone to grab onto your 140 characters – so you better make that small number of letters count.
I didn’t start writing for the numbers. I started for the words. Words that make a difference in my life. Words to encourage. Words to bring hope. Words to speak truth.
Most of all, God’s word.
For years my ministry verses have been 1 Peter 4:10-11:
When I’m focused on numbers, I’m not serving others, I’m not depending on God’s strength, I’m not doing it for His glory, I’m doing it for me.
As of today, I quit.
I quit looking at the numbers. I quit trying to please others. I quit seeking attention, publication, the spotlight.
I want to go back to where I started. With a simple toothless grin that lit up my difficult world of postpartum depression, breastfeeding woes, and sleepless nights. I want my writing to be for other mamas and not for me. I want my writing to bring truth into darkness. I want my writing to be for you.
I’m still moving forward. I’m still writing for this little blog. I’m still writing my book. But I’m not going to think about publishing for some time. Not unless I think it is the best thing to do. When I started it, I wanted it to be a resource for new mamas. So, I hope to have it available for you here someday. (Or rather, on my new website, which is ALMOST DONE!)
Thank you, my dear friends, who have always encouraged me and prayed for me on this journey. I think I have needed to go through some massive anxiety in order to reach a point of clarity.
And, God, this is for you. This public repentance is to you. “I acknowledge my need for a savior and I humbly repent. Speak the word that I may be made clean. Wash me that I may be whiter than snow. Restore unto me the joy of your salvation that I may delight in your will, and walk in your way, to the glory of your name, now and forever. Amen.”
The past week was full. Full of tears, grief, sorrow, and pain. Full of joy, laughter, hope, and excitement. Full of new people, new friends. Abundant. Overflowing.
At times I was overwhelmed, felt behind, wanted to crawl in a hole to sleep, because it was almost too much for this girl who gets over-stimulated. And in all of the goodness and pain (which are not mutually exclusive) I knew I had forgotten something.
Now, this might be a small thing most people would not realize, but to me, in my desire to do things right, shame creeps in. Failure speaks: “You screwed up. Who do you think you are? How could you forget something like that?”
I have a choice: I can either listen to the shame, absorb its message of failure, become paralyzed in guilt, horrified by remorse. OR I can accept my inaction. I can acknowledge that I did not follow through, apologize (I’m sorry, my friends, I am), forgive myself, and work to rebuild my integrity.
As I choose the second path, I also choose to see who I am. In the face of shame which puts me down, I can stand and acknowledge how God has built me up. This work is difficult when I am tempted to see only the negative in me. But God has created me and his works are wonderful. I am “wonderfully complex” (Psalm 139:14 NLT). I am vulnerable. I am strong. I am compassionate. I am loving. I am passionate. I am wise.
With humility I see both of my failures and my gifts. I offer them to God. Use them. May I be a blessing to someone today.
What is shame speaking to you, today? What is the truth about who you are? Hold them both in your hands before God. You are his masterpiece. He has created you to do good. And that work He has began in you? He will complete it. Amen.
For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. – Ephesians 2:10 NLT
Thank you everyone who shared your stories of grief and joy on my blog two weeks ago. You blessed me with your truth.
Jennifer Garner is my new hero. On the Ellen show, she faced rumors concerning her “baby bump” with confidence, poise, and style. Smiling triumphantly, she said,
I do [have a bump]… I am not pregnant. I have had three kids and there is a bump. From now on ladies I will have a bump. And it will be my baby bump. And let’s all just settle in and get used to it. It’s not going anywhere. I have a bump; it’s name is Violet, Sam, Sera…
(you’ve gotta watch it)
As I considered the whole New Year’s Resolution thing over the past couple of weeks, I realized a couple of things. Not only did I realize why I would not follow through with my resolution to keep the house clean, but I realized that with many of my ideas I was seeking to become something I’m not: childless.
Topping my list were:
- Keep a clean house
- Get rid of baby bump
- Be more structured and productive with my time
- Get more sleep
… basically, have the things I had before children. Rewind the clock and become the person I was 7 years ago before my skin stretched, my eyes sagged, and my mind got fuzzy.
But in a moment of peace – while stroking my son’s boyish hair and touching his delicate fingers, after one of his all out blood-curling, screaming, horrendous tantrums – I started wondering, do I really want to take back the last 7 years?
Am I so interested in erasing evidence of my pregnancy, my child rearing, my family that I would dedicate a year to those things?
Is what I really need to return to a “normal” life (because that’s how I often think of life pre-children, normal)?
Or can I settle into the life that is? Accepting that I cannot function at the same energy levels I had pre-pregnancy. That now my time and brain are roughly divided between my two littles, my husband, and my pursuits. That doesn’t leave a lot of time for extra things such as working out or cleaning more hours of the week.
Can I finally settle into the reality that I am a mommy? That I am a mommy blogger. That that I cannot expect to have hours of uninterrupted time to myself. That I will not be a marathon runner, a master crafter, or a foodie-chef. I will not always have the house as clean as I did before Jack was born, and that’s ok. No. That’s fantastic.
I will drop everything when my kids bonk their heads playing power rangers.
I will kiss the invisible boo boo on the middle finger that is extended towards my face and giggle incessantly inside.
I will wake up for sickness, bad dreams, nighttime snuggles, and everything in between.
I will tend to my needs within the needs of everyone else. I will take the time I need, but I won’t expect more than I can have.
I will accept these limitations.
I will be content.
After all, I have a baby bump. And its name is Jack and Ben. It’s not going anywhere. So, let’s all settle in and get used to it.
Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him.
Mountains of laundry. Piles of dust. Lumps of toys. Jumbles of books.
No matter how you put it, my house is a mess.
Going into the New Year I am tempted to make a New Year’s Resolution I can’t keep, like: Clean Up EVERY DAY. Or: Be Organized. Or: Follow a Strict Cleaning Schedule.
But I know myself too well. I know what I can do. I know what I won’t do.
And I know what I don’t want to do.
What I don’t want to do: spend an entire year chasing after the elusive clean house found in Real Simple magazines and Pottery Barn catalogues.
When it comes down to it, though it seems like a good idea to resolve to have a clean home, at the end of the year if I haven’t kept the resolution I’m not going to care. Besides, having such an ambiguous goal as “clean” or ” organized” is not attainable. When will the house be clean? When the children have stopped dragging in dirt? When the dog learns to pick up after herself? Sounds like perpetual frustration for me.
Which means my resolution would be just one more resolution to die by January 3rd.
If I’m going to make a resolution, it’s going to be one I care about. It’s going to be one that’s possible. And it’s going to be one that I can measure. On December 31, 2015, I can look back and say, “See? I kept it. I liked it. And look what’s different because of it.”
With that said: my resolution for 2015 is to Write at least 500 words every weekday of this year.
It took me the majority of 2014 to embrace myself as a writer. To acknowledge I love it. To believe I can do it. And to actually refine some goals and dreams. I went to my first writing conference, participated in a blogging challenge, and gained a few followers on my blog here and there. Offline, I also wrote my first book proposal, received valuable feedback, and have an accountability partner to move forward with the book.
I want to write. I want writing to be in my future professionally. And in order for that to happen, I need to learn to be disciplined.
So there it is: Write at least 500 words every weekday of this year. Online or off, it doesn’t matter. It just needs to be done.
What’s a resolution you will make that you care about, is possible and that you can measure for 2015?
I am a perfectionist.
A perfectionist who doesn’t want to do anything wrong, fears others showing me my failures, and who is constantly aware of what I could do better. I am tempted to define myself by my behavior, my finished to do list, or my perfect children who eat, sleep, and produce according to my plan for them.
But I am not perfect, so my head rails against me to try harder while my heart is breaking under the pressure of the “Perfect Mama” facade I have so carefully crafted. And my children do not have the same plans that I do, so they continue to spit out their carrots, pop out of bed to talk about our furniture (“Is that your couch?” “Yes.” “Ok!”), and fight me on any order I try to create in our lives. The clash of my plans with theirs produces anger and frustration that only leaves us all in tears instead of changing anything.
Because shame never changes anything.
So when Jesus asked me to preach this week on my perfectionism, to admit my failures, and to point others to Him, I truthfully did not feel up to it. Days later when people are telling me it was my best sermon yet, I still do not feel up to it. I continue to identify myself not with Him, but with my own behaviors, works, accomplishments.
I need a reminder of who Christ says I am. Maybe you do to.
“In Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.” (Gal 3:26-27)
In Christ we are “dead to sin, but alive to God.” (Romas 6:11)
There is no condemnation for those who are In Christ. (Rom 8:1)
In Christ we have been made holy. (Phil 1:1)
In Christ, we are sanctified (1 Cor 1:2),
In Christ we are made alive (1 Cor 15:22),
In Christ we are brought to fullness, completeness. (Col 2:10)
In Christ, we have freedom (Gal 2:4).
In Christ, we can stand firm. (2 Cor 1:21)
In Christ we are brought near to God by the blood of Christ. (Eph 2:13)
In Christ, we are all children of God (Gal 3:26).
In Christ, we are forgiven (4:32)
In Christ, our hearts and minds are guarded by the peace of God (Phil 4:7)
In Christ we have peace (1 Peter 5:14),
In Christ we have faith, and love (1 Tim 1:14).
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” (2 Corinthians 5:17)
The Old is Gone.
The New Creation has come.
I am blown away by the truth that God has not abandoned me to my failures – real or perceived. That God is healing my hurts, pouring Himself into me, so that I can be made clean. That forgiveness is a daily possibility and that I can always begin again. And that I am always, in all things, clothed in Christ. He has never left me and will never leave me.
I know this is not my best writing, but this is not about me, today. This is about Jesus. And you. You who maybe need as much truth as I do. Let’s walk In Christ together, shall we?