In August I realized I was exhausted. Exhausted, overwhelmed, and feeling like I could not continue on with life as it was going. Something had to change. Something had to go. Actually, for awhile, a lot of things had to go so that I could find my feet again and be able to breath. I had to learn about myself and learn about God. I wish I could share everything I’ve learned, but that would take a book – and I’m not sure you really want to know that much about me or, frankly, that I’m willing to share it all. In the last three months I have become incredibly private, probably because I don’t even feel like I understand myself so why would I share everything with the world? And in the last three months I have found more focus and purpose to the things that I do.
I have learned that I need God. I mean, theologically I always knew that, but I never felt that. I never knew it with my entire being that if I did not have Him in my life every day I would feel like I would die. That without my time of prayer in the morning, the rest of the day falls apart. That without taking things to Him first, I put insufficient bandages on my wounds and they continue to bleed.
I learned (once again) that I have limits. I cannot do everything. I cannot be all things to all people. I cannot meet your expectations of me. And frankly, I probably shouldn’t, because if I do I am most likely not being honest about who I truly am – unless you expect me to just be me and to only do the things God desires me to do in which case you are a rare person and I want to get to know you more.
I learned that God is incredibly patient. He doesn’t expect me to “get it” all at once. He anticipates that I will forget to pray. He anticipates that I will once again perform for the wrong audience, exhausting myself, becoming irritable and unhealthy. And He is there to meet me in repentance. His grace is sufficient for each moment.
I need to remember these things when this baby comes. I need to remember that I cannot do it all. I need to remember that God’s grace is sufficient for me and that He gives me strength to do what I can’t do on my own.
And I need to remember that when I follow Him, I am at rest. I want to share more of that insight with you soon. About how The Lord is my Shepherd. And I have everything I need.
I am currently 35 + weeks pregnant. I am tired. I am making a baby. I can’t do everything, but the things God has for me. That is enough.
Step 11 of the 12 steps: “Sought to improve my conscious contact with God through prayer and meditation, seeking only the knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry it out.”
The Toothless Grin 