I Was Dishonest with God

Day 7 of 31 Days of Connecting

Over 9 years ago, Tim and I moved to Colorado so I could get my MDiv at Denver Seminary. When our son Jack was born the day after I turned in my final assignment (wrap your head around that for a minute), my heart ached to return to Minnesota to live near our family. When they all came to visit for Christmas that year and had to leave again, there wasn’t a dry eye in the apartment.

I did everything I could to move back.

Since Tim had decided to become a mechanic, we toured automotive schools in the Twin Cities.

I applied for every job I could find in my field both within the cities and out of them, but female pastors are not necessarily desired – especially during a great recession. I got few responses…

I was offered a position in Kansas. Middle of nowhere Kansas. I turned it down. That would have only been pulling me further from family, not closer.

I had an interview for a position in Willmar, MN. My Dad’s hometown – but that didn’t pan out.

We continued to pray, cry, and try to discern where God had us next.

One Sunday night Denver, we were in church during one of the most raw, uncomfortable, and honest services I have ever attended. I loved it. I had never felt at home at Scum of the Earth Church. It was not my culture. But when the staff was willing to put themselves out there in such vulnerability and honesty, I found myself asking God, can I find this anywhere else?

No.

And then He told me, I want you here.

Here? At Scum? I asked.

Yes, here.

I cried.

I was relieved to finally have an answer, but I was devastated that God was keeping me from my family. My support system. With tears streaming down my face, I said yes.

I said yes quickly, because I believed it was what God expected of me. I did not ask why Denver and not Minneapolis. I did not ask why He was keeping me from my family – though my heart was wounded. I did not ask if Scum would be a good fit for me. I just submitted without question. Like a good Christian girl does – or at least what I thought a good Christian girl did.

 

But my lack of honesty with God about my feelings that night, my lack of lamenting to God about His call away from my family, my lack of questioning His call, my quick yes to God, actually hindered my walk with Him… 

(more tomorrow)

Has God ever called you somewhere difficult? How did you respond?